Planet Asshole
"Planet Asshole" is the 25th episode of Dick Figures and is the 5th Episode of the 3rd Season. Plot After Red burns his black hole with a scorching burrito, he and Blue offer hungry aliens painful advice on pregnancy, relaxation and face washing. Transcript Red: Oh sweet burrito, your black beans and rice make my tummy feel nice, and my butthole burn (Alien tractor-beam gets the burrito) Red: The fu? Wait, no! NO! Burrito, Come back! Don't leave me! (Red Cries, then Blue walks by with his own burrito) Blue: Dude, what happened to your burrito? Red: Aliens abducted it! Blue: Oh that. Well they better not drop it off in my shoes again, dick. Red: No seriously! There was this light and then the WOOSH and then- (Aliens appear from tractor-beam) Eulb: Greetings, Earth Sticks. Der: I am Der. This is Eulb. (Red gasps) Eulb: We come baring gifts. Just kidding. We're here to kill you Blue: Oh shit! Der: Just kidding. We come in search of food. Eulb: We have scoured the galaxy in seach for acceptable substinace. Der: We traveled to the cloud world of QB-13 Beta and their food was like.. meh. Eulb: We also tried the fire planet Ablusphormat, we we're farting for 7,000 lunar cycles Blue: Where are you guys from? Eulb: We are froum the planet Al-bu-quer-que Blue: You mean Albuquerque? Eulb: No, Al-bu-quer-que Der: Your earth food tubes were the most delicious thing we have discovered. Red: You mean burritos? Der: Yes, we demand you give us all your burrito tubes or we'll kill you. Just kidding, but not. We are a humor race Red: These guys can't tell a joke to save their life! Eulb: Oh yeah? How bout' this one? A human traveled to a planet that was hostile to his carbon based life support systems. He perished abruptly. The humor is in his termination. (Der and Eulb laugh) Red:... Ha? Eulb: See? We're not so different you and I. You breath oxygen through your mouths and out your butts. We breath oxygen through our butts and into our brains which powers a miniature nuclear reactor. Der: We are the same! Red: Dude, let's totally mess with these guys! Blue: Yeah, yeah! Red: This is how we wash our faces! Red and Blue giggle as the aliens give themselves swirleys Red: I just pooped in there! Blue: To relax we jump in front of these metal boxes. Der: Okay (jumps in front of incoming traffic) Excellent! I feel soft everywhere! Red: To reproduce we kick each other in the stomach, like this. (Red kicks blue) Your pregnant! Blue groans Der: You are pregnant! (kicks Eulb in the stomach) Eulb: Ow! Red laughs Eulb: Your earth ways are strange. Der: and painful. Red: (laughs) Are you kidding? We don't actually kick each other in the stomach! We were just messing with you guys! Eulb: Mmmm. Define messing. Red: You know, joshing, playing, goofing, fooling, screwing, fucking Blue: We were mocking you! (a 4 second silence, somber music plays) Der: Nooooo! Eulb: You were mocking us? Red: How could we not!? Blue: Seriously, you guys were totally asking for it. Der: Negative. Eulb: How dare you mocking us. Red: (laughs) Come on man! Don't be such a pus about it! Eulb: Don't make fun of us, we are weak! Der: Our species is powered by self esteem. You are killing us! Red and Blue burst out laughing. Eulb: You guys are dicks! Der: Yeah! Eulb: We were just going to collect all of your food tubes and leave, but now we are going to rename your planet in the galactic database Der: To Planet Asshole Blue: Go for it! Red: Yeah, yeah that sounds awesome Eulb: We hate you! Der: We are going to reroute an asteroid into your planet's orbital path! Red and Blue stop laughing Der: Prepared to be destroyed in 86 million earth years! Red and Blue resume laughing as the aliens depart. Red: Oh my God, can you believe those guys? Blue: What douche bags! (All the burritos begin to be picked up by the aliens' tractor beam) Street artist: (holding on to a telephone wire) Naw! Not our food tubes! Street artist 2: No. Red: No! Not the burritos! You bastards! Not the burritos! (The aliens are laughing as they abduct the burritos. Suddenly they get hit by a meteor, after the Dick Figures theme, Eulb says "Ow..") Reccuring Gags Auto-Tuned Singing The Aliens are voiced with auto-tune Red Floating Everyone is being pulled up by the alien tractor-beam Episode Ending The word "DICK FIGURES" appears with the "I"s replaced by burritos being abducted. The Last Line Being Cut Aliens' laughter being halted by the meteor impact. Trivia *Der and Eulb are just Red and Blue spelled backwards. *This is the first episode in Season 3 where the "I"s aren't people. Video thumb|300px|left Category:Season 3 Category:Episodes